Monday, July 25, 2011

New academy turns rabid madams into civil human beings


(Photo via deviantart.net)
“Well, you’ve heard the old phrase, ‘Slavery gets sh*t done.’ But then I realized that actually, no, it doesn’t. I’ve found that if I occasionally let my maid eat some of the food scraps left over from the delicious three-course meals she cooks for dinner every night, she acts less irate.”
That’s housewife Rima Yahya’s new outlook after having graduated from the Lebanese Madame/Mister Training Academy in Beirut to cure the baffling level of racism and generally cruel behavior towards domestic migrant workers in the country.
“Having a maid who cooks every meal, cleans the house and raises the children means I’m left to deal with the remaining stress and high-pressure atmosphere of a stay-at-home mom’s daily life in an outwardly abusive, destructive way,” says program participant Hanna Kobeissey.
“But I can no longer hide from the fact that I have a problem acting like a decent human being,” she said of her decision to enroll in the program.
“What we’ve learned from extensive research on this subject is that, on the whole, Lebanese madams somehow lack the innate human ability to perceive domestic migrant workers as actual people with feelings and emotions,” says the academy’s director, Hassan Ibrahim, adding that “madams have a serious appetite for abuse.”
When talking about her personal progress so far, Kobeissey explains that she’s had her setbacks.
“I’ll admit it, I did give Maria an insane beating Tuesday night after she failed to answer the front door for a guest because she was too busy using the plastic pail we placed especially for her on the balcony to urinate in.”
“What she does with the contents of the pail once it’s filled remains a mystery to me. But my point is, I can’t *not* beat her for something like that, right?”
Another academy participant, Zeinab Khattar, says she’s learned that physical abuse is actually counter-productive. “After a while, the pain from beating my maid was slowing her down. Now I just threaten to kill her in her sleep instead.”
“I hope one day I can make my home a safe place for maids, but until then, I just look at the four dead bodies I’ve racked up over the last few years as another reason to feel superior to my neighbor, Nadine, who’s had the same woman working for her for 8 months now. Ptfff. Commoner.”
“It’s been a long road to recovery,” says academy graduate Samia Hamzeh. “But I think I’ve made some real progress: I learned that beating your maid with a stick still counts as beating.”
((DISCLAIMER: This blog post is a satire.))
Will Training Maids cut down on abuse?

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