Friday, February 3, 2012

Transcript, Ktir Salbe

Now Lebanon

A Lebanese couple goes to an “agent” to “order in” a new “servant.” It doesn’t matter what nationality she is, says the husband.

The agent then corrects him, saying that we don’t call them “servants” but “foreign domestic workers.” After excusing her husband’s “racism”, the woman says that they would like to order in a new maid.

And they start to list their demands to the bewildered agent.

The thing is there is a pun here. The word for “worker” in Arabic also resembles the verb “to do”, and so the husband plays on the word and says that he wants a maid that would have “done everything back in her lands”. He wants to have gotten married (in Arabic, the expression is a euphemism for “not a virgin”), and “got it out of her system”, had kids, got bored of them, abandoned them and came to Lebanon.

The wife adds that she would like her to experiment a little bit with all types of boyfriends: Lebanese, Syrian, Egyptian… It would be even better if she brings them back home!

Husband: yes, so that in the morning the neighbors would ask “Mr. Chanis, who was that stranger that left your house at 1:00 a.m.?”

The agent goes crazy and says he isn’t a PIMP.

Wife: We would also like to be dirty and gross please. We want that every time she cleans anything, she makes it even dirtier than it originally was.

Husband: And stupid please! We want her stupid, if you please. So that if we went to the week end for a couple of days, we’d come back and find the house completely destroyed (they give a lot of examples of reckless mistakes, including flooding the house, letting the gas open, etc)

The agent starts yelling that all of their demands are crazy. They start arguing that he didn’t let them finish.

Wife: We want her to be mentally ill. So that every time we would have the slightest demand, she would go crazy, scream, pull her hair out, and pee on the floor.

Husband: Oh yes, that would smell delightful. And we also want her to be spiteful, especially with kids. She has to hate them. When I get back from home, I want to find her hitting them and throwing them around, starving them…

Agent: Monsieur, Madame, all of this is inhumane!

Wife: we also want her to be demanding.

Husband: yes we want her to want several telephone cards and her own private mobile to talk to her family all the time, and then a small device like the mobile for her bed (he is insinuating a vibrator).

Agent loses it.

Husband: we also want her to be a thief. If she isn’t a thief, we’ll give her back. We want her to steal our things, hide them in her bed sheets and at her friends’, and when she’ll leave back to her country, hide them in her luggage and take them with her!

Wife: and after discovering everything she stole after her departure…

Husband: We want to get interrogated and hit by officers, all the while being accused of mistreating her, especially by those “Foreign Domestic Labor Rights Associations” that grab you and accuse you of all sorts of things. They spit on you and say you are the dirt of this earth. They’ll harass me with the press..

The agent interrupts them because he can’t take it anymore.

Agent: Madame, Monsieur, please all of these things you are asking for, we don’t have! This is a respectable office, and if you want servants like this, you better go check with the mobs… I mean “Foreign domestic workers”.

The man and woman burst out laughing, sarcastically, saying that they’ve gotten four maids from him in the past, and all of them turned out EXACTLY like what they just described.

The rest of the video fades into a ball of back-and-forth insults.

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